The Italian Voice

I feel so bad in these days.

Three days ago my boyfriend’s family found old entries of my Italian blog where I put them down, it was when I didn’t even know about the relocation and something also later, but all written no more late than this spring.
They found harsh word which I never wrote, I realized that someone had access to my Italian blog and changed a lot of things. Yes, I criticised my boyfriend’s family and I am convict about it, but I never thought and written those bad words.
My boyfriend’s family does not believe me or maybe they even do not know this fact.
I do not know how to explain things if someone does not give me the opportunity to do it.

They obviously took offence, I felt bad even by myself reading those words which I never wrote, and now they do not consider me anymore. My boyfriend is unsure about what to do, he took offence too, but maybe he still feel a little bit of love for me.

I had to leave with my parents for Belgium now, but I decided to stay at home to have more chances to talk to my boyfriend as much as I can. I want to proove him that I am not that bad person, that I stopped to think and write those criticisms for several months now, that I was very happy to get along well with his family and to move and that I love him with all my heart.
I hope he will be able to give me that opportunity, but I am not sure at all.

I can not think about these 4+ years together, we were almost ready for the final relocation and we were so happy to start a new life, me too, absolutely (I also wrote it in several entries here).

The unique thing to do now is to stay in touch with my boyfriend, who asks for time and space, and to show him my real intentions and the truth about who I really am.
I hope so badly that he will give me the chance to do it!
Now he does not want to meet me, only phone calls and one or a very few ones per day.

It is ok for me, I can imagine his contrasting feelings, but I also hope that he will think about our relationship, I am ready to be put to the test completely, I am determined to fight for my love and future with him, but I really need to act immediately about the flat and the job.

photo by sp_clarke

I am deciding to spend the major part of the day at my parents’ flat (fortunately they live just at the end of this street) to avoid to see the bills here growing and I am planning to send my CV at some job places around here.

I feel so badly, I hope to retrieve my life with him, but I need him to give me another opportunity, please please please pray for us!!! Then maybe, later in the days or months, I will get the chance to talk to his family.

Everything changes so quickly in this life, I was not ready for something like this, I was ready to move and start a new life with my boyfriend, I love him so much!!!

P.S: Sorry for the whining entry, but I really need to give vent to my feelings.